MY SODA CANS

During college, I developed what I now call my "soda cans." You probably would refer to them as lovehandles, spare tires, or even beer bellies but I went with soda cans because of my six to eight can a day habit. Sure my daily intake of Mama Celeste pizzas and grilled cheese didn't help, but it was that caffeine sugary rush that kept me going. Now, even though I've kicked the habit but I have fallen victim to a bigger, scarier enemy. I deem them "devils with green dresses on." Yes, its the Girl Scouts. Damn you Shelly Long and your break dancing, song singing troop from Beverly Hills.



Juliette "Daisy" Gordon Low probably started the Girls Scouts out as a friendly organization to keep girls off the streets and away from smack in 1912. But within 5 short years they unleashed their wrath onto the good citizens of the world. The first recorded sale of cookies as a fundraiser for their cult-like activities was in 1917 in Muskogee, Oklahoma. It wasn't long until the Girl Scout magazine, The American Girl, suggested all troops should take part in this "fund raising" activity and provided recipes for cookies. This was exactly the kind of ammunition they needed. In 1933, Girl Scouts in Philadelphia organized the first official "Girl Scout Cookie" sale, selling homemade cookies in the windows of local utility companies, probably greasing the palms of any union leader they came across. And finally, in 1936, they sold what little of their soul they had left and began licensing commercial bakers to produce the cookies. Their profits then being divided among three levels in their organization, the national Girl Scouts of the USA (boss), the regional council (captains), and the local troop of girls (foot soldiers).

Sure there are several different poisons to pick from but I always go for the Tagalongs, aka Peanut Butter Patties, aka the Fattenizers. Its a delicious crispy vanilla cookie layered with peanut butter and covered with a chocolate coating. How can one resist? The worst part of all is that they don't sell them often enough. They don't even sell them online. Just like the sadistic group that they are, they let you slip into withdrawal. Let you suffer from the sweats and shakes for a little bit, until they send their mothers out to your office to give you your next fix. By then you're so desperate for them you pay top dollar for a box of 15 cookies. Well played Girl Scouts....well played.

BEHOLD THEIR COOKIE ANTHEM